Monday, October 16, 2006

Travelling with fatty

Dan and I are going with my fat friend Ashley to West Africa in a few days. And, I'm starting to get nervous. Not really nervous about getting sick, or getting killed. I'm mostly concerned about looking like a douchebag.
See, every time I talk to Ashley she says something that makes me terrified that I'm going to be travelling around with someone who looks like the stupidest douchiest most obnoxious tourist ever. First, Ash mentioned to me that she was planning on buying new clothes for the trip. Toronto gets some of the hottest and coldest weather everywhere, so wherever you are travelling you probably have the appropriate practical clothes.
Then today she asked me if I was taking a money belt, we were talking on google talk and we were talking about what currencies were best to take, and then she asked me if I was bringing, "one of those under clothes thingys." I said, "Those are for stupid dorks." She then said that she was going to get one for around the waist. So help me god if she pulls up her shirt in and African market in order to get some cash out to pay for something, I will leave her there.
If she shows up in some god awful khaki pant, safari vest, I-raided-Jeff-Probst's-closet, Anderson-Cooper-on-assignment outfit when we arrive in Africa, so help me god, I will not stay in the same hotel with her.
When I went to Bangladesh, my travelling companion P almost peed her pants laughing when we ran into some white tourists, they were dressed head to toe in Mountain Equipment Co-op duds. They looked like they were on the world's most intense camping trip. When they were done shopping in the local market or walking around town they could have gone and climbed Mt. Everest. That was the moment, I realized that the Bengalis where right, white people are crazy.
Ash keeps telling me that she's only bringing 3 outfits to pack light, I don't know whether that means that she's going to buy some nice clothes while she's there, maybe some of those gorgeous African Lady dresses, or if she's going to wear the same Tilley Endurables outfit the whole time.
Do you think there's enough time to call "What Not To Wear" on Ashley?


Princess Pessimism said...

Im so glad you called me to tell me that you posted this. I know im on the phone with you right now as I read it, but iver got tears in my eyes.

the funniest thing? I told her to go to hiker haven today for a backpack. LOL!!

Miss Ash said...

Jennifer also called me to tell me to check out her blog. Nice job, i was also laughing so hard i was crying!!!

Hilarious post however, for anyone that knows me, they will know that i do not own any khaki clothing, nor do i plan to. Well, maybe i will purchase a nice vest for our trip just for Jennifer to admire. I will however be bringing my black capris, black long shorts and black linen pants.

As for the under clothing money thingy, Jennifer has one that attaches to her bra of all places. We know the money will be safe in there as no person in their right mind would go anywhere near those things. Asides from that fact that they hang down to her knees, she should have gotten a knee money holder instead. (I only know this because she did the sag test and held a 2 litre bottle of pop under those suckers)

And i will be purchasing some fabulous African Lady Dresses :)

Scott said...

Now I remember how fun you are... that is an awesome post. I am going to have to head to MEC to get Ash a nice vest!


sly said...

you are both ridiculous. i feel sorry for dan.

Jennifer said...

My impression of Dan: "Girls are crazy. And they eat way too much ... bacon!" Except that was after living with Sly and I.

tokyo tintin said...

don't think i wont ditch you guys at the slightest sign of khaki!

take it from someone who's traveled a lot; local people in third world countries already think us honkeys are crazy —the last thing we need is for them to think we're losers as well. let's try to keepa sense of decorum about the whole situation, hmmn?

here are some handy nuggets of wisdom for you guys to follow that i picked up in my many miles on the road:
1. don't leave your bag out of your sight
2. don't wear bling-y jewelry or watches
3. double-check to make sure you've not left anything behind
4. don't embarrass dan
5. don't put your wallet in your back pocket
6. don't misunderstand bus drivers who tell you that the ride costs 100$ when really it costs 3$
7. at dinner, don't order the famous dish of the restuarant we went to for lunch
8. don't forget to smile and be polite when you bargain
9. don't embarrass dan
10. learn to say 'hello' and 'thank you' in the local language

really, as long as you're always aware where your passport/wallet/camera are, and you've taken general precautions to safeguard them, you've done your best and if they still get stolen, then that's life. you're probably just as likely to have something stolen here. people who prey on tourists prey on fatty, american dumb-dumbs who don't know anything about anything. just look like you know what you're doing and you'll be fine.

as a sidebar to ash, you have got to bring more than three outfits! (and that's not just the gay in me talking). You'll be getting sweaty and dusty and the last thing you want to be doing on vaction is laundry. summer clothes are small and light; might as well bring a couple t-shirts.

Jennifer said...

I agree with everything TT says, except for the very last part.
See, TT, you're coming at this from the perspective of a thin person. Ash is fat, none of her outfits are 'small'. She'll need a whole suitcase for the immense yardage of each of her outfits, not to mention the enormous undies.

Miss Ash said...

Dan i cannot promise #4

Jennifer will have a lighter suitcase than all of us you see her underwear, as big as they are, do not take up as much room, they have holes in them. Mostly in the anus area.....she made me take a photo of them once, on her body. *shudder*

Jennifer said...

It's true, I had the oldest pair of undies ever, and it was laundry day, they were the last pair left. Ash saw them and commented, so I thought it would be funny to take a picture of how bad they were and post it on the blog. But when I saw the picture I realized that it was worse than I'd ever imagined and deleted it. I think I threw them out, but I can't be sure.
But I do promise not to bring them on the trip, only intact underwear in Africa, you never know if you're going to be hit by a bus when you're in the third world.

Jennifer said...

Now that you mention that Ash, it gave me a flashback of the time Princess Pessimism flashed me while wearing only a towel. *shudder!*
We need to learn to keep our clothes on. All we are doing is scarring eachother for life.

sly said...

oh the hilarity! these comments keep getting funnier and funnier!

tokyo tintin said...


i lost my kit at a poker game last friday. do you think i scarred the other players?

Sexy Suburbanite said...

I see Ash as the type who would wear high heels in the desert (and then complain that she's sinking into the sand) -- not khakis and money belts. But, it sounds like the trip will be super interesting. I can't wait to read about your adventures!