Why does everyone tell me about their shit. I mean this literally. I'm not objecting really, I could talk about poop for hours. I just wonder what it is about me that sends that message out to people, my friends know because they hear me talking about it, but people I don't know very well bring it up out of the blue. In the last two days, I've had a number of people approach me to discuss poop. The first in this string of poop conversations was a co-worker.
For St. Patrick's day at my office we had some boxes of Lucky Charms cereal in the kitchen for the staff to eat. Well, the staff didn't eat that much on St. Patrick's day and a few of the staff ate most of the two large family sized boxes. One staff member in particular had a bowl of the stuff in her hand every time she walked past my desk for days. I made jokes about how much dye was in it and how it would start coming out through her skin if she didn't lighten up on the crap cereal and that kind of thing. And then yesterday, she came by my desk, debated about whether to tell me the story because it might be inappropriate and then started by saying. "You know when someone eats a lot of beets and what that does... after?" I said, yeah it turns your poop red, did the Lucky Charms turn your pooh a funny colour. "Green!" Am I so innapropriate that I'm a magnet for these stories? Don't get me wrong, that made my day, but then I wonder, what must people think of me. I've obviously seriously damaged my own reputation, just by being myself.
Another in the amusing string of stories was the friend who was eating mixed berries with me last night who IMed me this morning to tell me that he'd pooped an entire blueberry and that he saw it floating in the toilet when he turned to flush. Another one is a fellow blogger who posted ">this recently.
Anyway, I think I may have mentioned this before, but my little friend P has come up with an ingenious system for discussing pooping subtley - The Pooh Diaries. You start by saying the date the incident occurred on (like Sophia's stories on the Golden Girls), then you say what happened. So here's an example:
My co-worker approaches me...
Co-worker - You know how I've been eating all those Lucky Charms...
Me - Yeah
Co-worker - March 20th, 2007... It was green!
Showing posts with label The Pooh Diaries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Pooh Diaries. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Friday, November 10, 2006
Africa - Day 4
We woke up to a lovely breakfast and our first glimpse of the beauty of our sur- roundings.
We laid on the beach for a little while, and had a little swim and then we got dressed and headed off down the beach to Anomabo town for a bite of lunch and to hire a car to take us to Cape Coast.
The walk down the beach was a bit of a surprise. 
Once we got past the edge of the resort and closer into town we started to notice poop on the beach, the guide book warned of 'fresh turds' but I didn't really think we'd see any. 
As we headed down the beach we saw vultures eating out of garbage piles, and lots of duggout fishing boats up close. I commented to the others that if my mother could see where I was she'd have a heart attack, then we all laughed our asses off.
At the end of the beach was a big imposing building. It turns out it was another slave castle, called Fort William, and despite the fact that it's not open to the public, the door was ajar and we probably could have snuck a look around or found the caretaker and asked to take a look.
I'm still kicking myself that we didn't but I just didn't know.
I had my first fufu in Anomabo, very tasty, the goat that came with it was a little too strong tasting for me, but I wouldn't rule out further goat eating in the future, K said that that particular goat was not very good.
After lunch we headed out to the main road, and tried to hire a car.
While we waited and waited for an empty car to go by, I noticed a little boy selling coconuts by the side of the road, so I decided that Ashley needed to try drinking coconut milk directly from the coconut, since we had nothing better to do. I pulled 1000 cedis out of my wallet and walked over to the kid. I asked him how much the coconut was, he said, 1000 cedis. A coconut doesn't cost 1000 cedis. So I pointed to a lady who had just bought one, and asked how much he charged her. I said that I wanted the price she had paid and not the price he charged white people. The little shit just smirked at me. I argued some more, but he just stood there smirking at me. Finally, I gave up and gave the little shit the 1000 cedis. 
Ash got to drink about half of her coconut before we got a car. She tossed the coconut in the ditch and nearby goat made a beeline for it. Later in the trip, I was still bitching about that little shit charging me so much when it really should have only cost like 300 cedis. K came in when we were talking about it and asked me how much I had paid. I told her and she said, 'that's 10 cents.' That put everything in perspective, but still, I could have bought 3 coconuts for what I paid, little shit.
We headed for Cape Coast and had the driver drop us at Cape Castle the Unesco world heritage site, slave castle.
The slave castles were not what I expected at all. In some ways they were so normal seeming that you wouldn't really be all that effected by it, and then be freaked out that you weren't rolling on the ground and crying and tearing your hair out over it.
Once we got past the edge of the resort and closer into town we started to notice poop on the beach, the guide book warned of 'fresh turds' but I didn't really think we'd see any. 
As we headed down the beach we saw vultures eating out of garbage piles, and lots of duggout fishing boats up close. I commented to the others that if my mother could see where I was she'd have a heart attack, then we all laughed our asses off.
At the end of the beach was a big imposing building. It turns out it was another slave castle, called Fort William, and despite the fact that it's not open to the public, the door was ajar and we probably could have snuck a look around or found the caretaker and asked to take a look.
I'm still kicking myself that we didn't but I just didn't know.
I had my first fufu in Anomabo, very tasty, the goat that came with it was a little too strong tasting for me, but I wouldn't rule out further goat eating in the future, K said that that particular goat was not very good.
After lunch we headed out to the main road, and tried to hire a car.
While we waited and waited for an empty car to go by, I noticed a little boy selling coconuts by the side of the road, so I decided that Ashley needed to try drinking coconut milk directly from the coconut, since we had nothing better to do. I pulled 1000 cedis out of my wallet and walked over to the kid. I asked him how much the coconut was, he said, 1000 cedis. A coconut doesn't cost 1000 cedis. So I pointed to a lady who had just bought one, and asked how much he charged her. I said that I wanted the price she had paid and not the price he charged white people. The little shit just smirked at me. I argued some more, but he just stood there smirking at me. Finally, I gave up and gave the little shit the 1000 cedis. 
Ash got to drink about half of her coconut before we got a car. She tossed the coconut in the ditch and nearby goat made a beeline for it. Later in the trip, I was still bitching about that little shit charging me so much when it really should have only cost like 300 cedis. K came in when we were talking about it and asked me how much I had paid. I told her and she said, 'that's 10 cents.' That put everything in perspective, but still, I could have bought 3 coconuts for what I paid, little shit.
We headed for Cape Coast and had the driver drop us at Cape Castle the Unesco world heritage site, slave castle.The slave castles were not what I expected at all. In some ways they were so normal seeming that you wouldn't really be all that effected by it, and then be freaked out that you weren't rolling on the ground and crying and tearing your hair out over it.
The thing is that the slave castles weren't just built to house slaves, in fact, slavery was just one aspect of the purpose of those buildings. All kinds of goods were brought from the interior and stored in the slave castles until ships could come and take them away to Europe or the new world, ivory, gold, lots of different types of goods. Also, all the colonial administration for the area was done from those castles, the governor lived there, with all his staff. 
They had a school there, a church... in one case the church was over top of the slave dungeon. If that doesn't say something about organized religion, then I don't know what does. By the time the slaves got to the castle they'd have marched for as long as two months in shackles, with little to eat.
The guards at the slave castles kept the near starvation of the slaves going, because the only way to keep them subdued was when they were weak.
So, they gave them a meal a day. In Elmina the slaves had a bucket at either end of the small cells they were crowded into, whereas, in Cape Castle the floor was the toilet and you had to sleep in your own shit. In fact, our tour guide pointed out to us that the floors we stood on in the dungeon had been left exactly how they were when the last batch of slaves left. In the picture you can see the dirt and the drains built into the brick floor. 
The women of course had it worse than the men. The governor and his staff raped them. The guards would drag them all out of their cells, and the governor would pick one, and she'd be washed and given a meal and sent up to his room, if she resisted when she was up there, then she'd be chained outside and shamed. If she got pregnant, she'd get to have the baby and stay in Africa, and they'd send the kid to the school in the slave castle.
They had a school there, a church... in one case the church was over top of the slave dungeon. If that doesn't say something about organized religion, then I don't know what does. By the time the slaves got to the castle they'd have marched for as long as two months in shackles, with little to eat.
The guards at the slave castles kept the near starvation of the slaves going, because the only way to keep them subdued was when they were weak.
So, they gave them a meal a day. In Elmina the slaves had a bucket at either end of the small cells they were crowded into, whereas, in Cape Castle the floor was the toilet and you had to sleep in your own shit. In fact, our tour guide pointed out to us that the floors we stood on in the dungeon had been left exactly how they were when the last batch of slaves left. In the picture you can see the dirt and the drains built into the brick floor. 
The women of course had it worse than the men. The governor and his staff raped them. The guards would drag them all out of their cells, and the governor would pick one, and she'd be washed and given a meal and sent up to his room, if she resisted when she was up there, then she'd be chained outside and shamed. If she got pregnant, she'd get to have the baby and stay in Africa, and they'd send the kid to the school in the slave castle.In some cases the slaves committed suicide. 
When they were being taken out of the 'door of no return' to the slave ships, often one of them would jump in the water and drown himself. Since they were all chained together, sometimes this killed people who were going to take their chances on the boat as well. It's not surprising they would do this, since many of them thought that they were being put on the ships to be food for the crews during the voyage, a logical conclusion if your jailers didn't bother to learn your language.
When they were being taken out of the 'door of no return' to the slave ships, often one of them would jump in the water and drown himself. Since they were all chained together, sometimes this killed people who were going to take their chances on the boat as well. It's not surprising they would do this, since many of them thought that they were being put on the ships to be food for the crews during the voyage, a logical conclusion if your jailers didn't bother to learn your language.
The weird thing about it all is that it's in Africa, presented by Africans, who have a much more unemotional view of the slave trade than Americans do. So when we went to the civil rights museum and had an American black presentation on slavery and the civil rights movement, the emotion is conveyed even if the words are the same, but you totally don't get that from the African tour guide.
Obviously, you can't tell those kinds of stories without some emotion, but that extra emotion that an American would give to it, just isn't there. In fact, having studied this a lot already, I really wasn't feeling it, till I saw the wreaths that had been sent by different African American groups to be laid at the 'door of no return' at the slave castles.
Obviously, you can't tell those kinds of stories without some emotion, but that extra emotion that an American would give to it, just isn't there. In fact, having studied this a lot already, I really wasn't feeling it, till I saw the wreaths that had been sent by different African American groups to be laid at the 'door of no return' at the slave castles.There are lots of these buildings along the coast, most of the larger towns have them. Not all of them are open to the public. 
After colonialism ended, the new governments took over these buildings and continued to use them as administrative buildings, and jails, just as they had in colonial times, in fact, many of them are still jails today. Cape Castle was both a jail and open to tourists at the same time for many years.
It opened to tourists in the 1970s and the jail didn't close until 1993 when they were having a visit from some important African Americans and the African Americans pointed out that the symbolism of jailing Africans in these buildings was just wrong. So the government shut the jail down and moved the prisoners elsewhere. The area where the jail was between the 70s and the 90s is now a cluster of shops. But many of these buildings are still jails. I wonder how much better the conditions are in there now, than they were in the 1700s and 1800s.
After the tour we headed into the museum which was very slick, probably a result of the Unesco money they got from being a world heritage site.
After that we wandered into the former prison and looked in the shops, we saw the local dance troup practicing, which I videoed. And, while I waited for Dan and Ashley and K to finish shopping, I found two guys playing this game that they all love in West Africa. I took a video of that too. The guy in the darker shirt wins, but I'm not sure why.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Greetings from Africa
Greetings to all from Africa, sorry that I didn't get to post anything sooner, but I've been very short of internet time. A lot has happened since we've been here, so I'll try to give the short story.
The vacation definitely started out on an off note. Due to traffic in Toronto going to the airport, I almost missed my flight. They had actually closed the flight, and someone took mercy on me and let me check in anyway. Then on our way there we had to sit on the tarmac in Lagos for ages because the president of Nigeria was flying. There were rotting airplanes all around the runway of the airport in Lagos, it was quite odd.
When we finally did get into Accra, I realized that I definitely wasn't in Kansas any more. This place is p-o-o-r. We've tried to walk around a bit, but most places really aren't safe and I don't really get the impression that the locals like tourism.
I got really yelled at for taking a picture the other day. The roads are nearly undriveable and getting anywhere takes ages and ages crushed against everyone else in the car. Really, they think 7 people in a regular car is a full load. You're crammed in like sardines and the driver says, 'of course I have room for another person!' And of course everyone but us is paying way less to be in that car - which is a pretty big kick in the pants. No one ever told these people that reverse racism is still racism.
After the hustle and bustle and exhaust fumes of Accra, we decided to go to a beach resort and chill on the beach for a bit. It's lovely here - not that I'm much of a fan of the beach. I've gotten a pretty bad burn, despite my best efforts with the sunscreen - I'm soldiering on with the sunscreen even though it gives me a rash. Also, I haven't had much success keeping the mosquitos away with the bug spray, I'm sticking with the bug spray even though it gives me headaches and hot flashes. I am on anti-malarials, but there are so many other diseases you can get from mosquitos, dengue, elephantitis...
While this is a lovely resort, it's a bit of an enclave in an otherwise grindingly poor area. If you walk along the beach too far in either direction then you'll discover the unique new sensation of stepping in poop - human poop.
For that matter, I can't say I blame the locals for pooping on the beach, in fact, I've been tempted to do it myself. I tried to be really careful about food and water, but I got sick almost right away. I took the whole three day course of anti-biotics and it didn't even put a dent in it. I'm pretty sure it must be a parasite. I had to skip visiting the slave castles yesterday in order to stay near the toilet. That was a real bummer.
I've been trying to stay hydrated, with the oral rehydration therapy and all. And also to keep eating, which has meant a lot of burgers and fries because, aside from the fact that the local food is what made me sick, I've also discovered that goat meat and excessive spice are not my bag.
We're on to Togo now and hopefully the second half of the trip with improve and either my stomach will improve or I'll go see a doctor if I can find one who speaks English and does try to cure me with ground-up,dried, endangered animals.
I'm sure you all know that I've wanted to go to Africa my whole life and I'm glad I came. But, I think this trip may have cured me of the desire to go back.
Now, for everyone who believed what they just read, I'd like to tell you that I was kidding. I'm actually completely in love with this place. Did I fool you? Were you feeling sorry for me with my sad-ass whiney post? This place is actually fabulous and beautiful with friendly people, tasty food, and interesting historical sites. I was a little sick, but no big deal. We've walked around, taken lots of pictures. The slave castles were interesting. Everyone here thinks it's hilarious that I like their local signature dish fufu. I've even acquired a local name, Adjwa, no idea how it's spelled so that was just a guess, but it means that I'm female and I was born on Monday.
I've written bits and pieces as I've been going along, so I'll post those bit by bit, also pictures will follow.
The vacation definitely started out on an off note. Due to traffic in Toronto going to the airport, I almost missed my flight. They had actually closed the flight, and someone took mercy on me and let me check in anyway. Then on our way there we had to sit on the tarmac in Lagos for ages because the president of Nigeria was flying. There were rotting airplanes all around the runway of the airport in Lagos, it was quite odd.
When we finally did get into Accra, I realized that I definitely wasn't in Kansas any more. This place is p-o-o-r. We've tried to walk around a bit, but most places really aren't safe and I don't really get the impression that the locals like tourism.
I got really yelled at for taking a picture the other day. The roads are nearly undriveable and getting anywhere takes ages and ages crushed against everyone else in the car. Really, they think 7 people in a regular car is a full load. You're crammed in like sardines and the driver says, 'of course I have room for another person!' And of course everyone but us is paying way less to be in that car - which is a pretty big kick in the pants. No one ever told these people that reverse racism is still racism.
After the hustle and bustle and exhaust fumes of Accra, we decided to go to a beach resort and chill on the beach for a bit. It's lovely here - not that I'm much of a fan of the beach. I've gotten a pretty bad burn, despite my best efforts with the sunscreen - I'm soldiering on with the sunscreen even though it gives me a rash. Also, I haven't had much success keeping the mosquitos away with the bug spray, I'm sticking with the bug spray even though it gives me headaches and hot flashes. I am on anti-malarials, but there are so many other diseases you can get from mosquitos, dengue, elephantitis...
While this is a lovely resort, it's a bit of an enclave in an otherwise grindingly poor area. If you walk along the beach too far in either direction then you'll discover the unique new sensation of stepping in poop - human poop.
For that matter, I can't say I blame the locals for pooping on the beach, in fact, I've been tempted to do it myself. I tried to be really careful about food and water, but I got sick almost right away. I took the whole three day course of anti-biotics and it didn't even put a dent in it. I'm pretty sure it must be a parasite. I had to skip visiting the slave castles yesterday in order to stay near the toilet. That was a real bummer.
I've been trying to stay hydrated, with the oral rehydration therapy and all. And also to keep eating, which has meant a lot of burgers and fries because, aside from the fact that the local food is what made me sick, I've also discovered that goat meat and excessive spice are not my bag.
We're on to Togo now and hopefully the second half of the trip with improve and either my stomach will improve or I'll go see a doctor if I can find one who speaks English and does try to cure me with ground-up,dried, endangered animals.
I'm sure you all know that I've wanted to go to Africa my whole life and I'm glad I came. But, I think this trip may have cured me of the desire to go back.
Now, for everyone who believed what they just read, I'd like to tell you that I was kidding. I'm actually completely in love with this place. Did I fool you? Were you feeling sorry for me with my sad-ass whiney post? This place is actually fabulous and beautiful with friendly people, tasty food, and interesting historical sites. I was a little sick, but no big deal. We've walked around, taken lots of pictures. The slave castles were interesting. Everyone here thinks it's hilarious that I like their local signature dish fufu. I've even acquired a local name, Adjwa, no idea how it's spelled so that was just a guess, but it means that I'm female and I was born on Monday.
I've written bits and pieces as I've been going along, so I'll post those bit by bit, also pictures will follow.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Twisted Ass Freaks The World Over
I think the love of discussing bowels crosses all cultures. My number one poop conversation pal is from Bangladesh where they could talk about poop till the cows come home.
You know how the Inuit are supposed to have so many words for snow? Well in Bangladesh I only learned a handfull of the poop words so I could describe what was happening to me, but I understand that there were many more.
Also Erica Jong in one of her books discusses one of the reasons why she hated living in Germany, she said that the German toilets have a little raised area where your shit generally lands when you go so that you can take a good look at it before you flush it down and she thought that was perverse. I'd write about the wonders of the Japanese toilets but I'm not speaking about the Japanese at the moment except to talk about their whaling, they are on my shit list and not in a good way.
You know how the Inuit are supposed to have so many words for snow? Well in Bangladesh I only learned a handfull of the poop words so I could describe what was happening to me, but I understand that there were many more.
Also Erica Jong in one of her books discusses one of the reasons why she hated living in Germany, she said that the German toilets have a little raised area where your shit generally lands when you go so that you can take a good look at it before you flush it down and she thought that was perverse. I'd write about the wonders of the Japanese toilets but I'm not speaking about the Japanese at the moment except to talk about their whaling, they are on my shit list and not in a good way.
Personally I think you can learn a lot from checking out what's in the toilet when you are done. In fact, I've been doing this cleanse, I think I mentioned it in the previous post as the cause of my urgent need to go to the bathroom. Anyway, they say that the first couple of days on the cleanse can be somewhat unpleasant as all the toxins and things start to pass out of your body and all that. So yesterday I wasn't feeling so good, our friend who does this cleanse a few times a year came over and I told him (jokingly) that I was holding him personally responsible for my dicomfort and the fact that I couldn't have all the things I was craving. I kept bitching and moaning about the whole thing until almost the time when he was leaving. Right before he left he pointed out that after a few days on the cleanse the stuff you start pooping out gets really really weird, and interesting. It changed my attitude all together I switched from complaining about feeling terrible and all the foods I was craving to jumping up and down with anticipation of what wild and wonderful things might come out of my ass in a couple of days. I can't wait. Seriously, I'm not kidding, this is going to be so much fun, god knows what's lurking in my bowels!
Has anyone ever seen the website www.ratemypoo.com? Peole submit pictures of their poo and then you click on the bar over the picture to rate it and then it shows you the next picture, you could do it for hours. It's hilarious, sick and twisted. If anything really good comes out, I might have a good submission for the site. Do I seem like a twisted ass freak now? Sometimes that's the price you pay for writing personal blogs. Anyway, I'm off to drink some laxative tea, I'll let you all know when the fun starts!
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